Words to live by...

My life is in transition. In every area. What I do. How I live. Who I want to be.

After attending a conference earlier this year, I took some time to write down what I want my life to look life & how I want to be.

Dream. Live authentically. Be vulnerable. Look for deeper meaning. Get quiet. Serve people. Be honest. Keep your heart open. Trust. Explore. Create. Love. Redefine happiness. See beauty. Believe. Find joy. Live simply. Be still. Take chances. Be free. Recognize & face fear. seek discomfort. Go outside. Turn the power off. Read. Learn. Sacrifice. Give freely. Love unconditionally. Look for the positive. See the opportunity. Live unconventionally. Be grateful. Be compassionate. Have empathy. Abandon false truths. Reevaluate. Plan. Be impulsive. Evaluate direction. Sit. Breathe. Run. Climb. Inspire. Encourage. Comfort. Lighten. Relieve. Mentor. Remember. Let go. Forgive. Heal. Appreciate. Untether. Smile often. Lift others. Find peace. Share path. Say hello. Pretend I've known strangers forever. Let down walls. Be real. Make new friends. Adventure. Give gifts. Listen underneath. Go deeper. Relax. Reveal. Uncover. Discard. Do scary things. Go out on a limb. Put yourself out there. Disregard what others might think. Lose yourself in thought. Play out your dreams. Have courage. Take chances. Don't hedge bets. Stop playing it safe. Be the first. Stand up for others. Compliment strangers. Don't overthink. See what happens. Just to see how it feels. Walk through the fear. Embrace the pain. Let it all go. Smile when you want to look down. Share your experience. Share your pain. Live your truths. Let others know you've been there. Acknowledge the fears. Recognize conditioning. Unlearn. Live

What words are you living for?

Just play

Remember the carefree days of just being a kid and you didn't have a worry in the world? What did you like to do? How did you spend your days? Recently, that's what I've been thinking about.

Do you live playful and carefree today? Or is it all about stress and email and meetings and worry and bills and retirement and keeping up with your neighbors and looking good for your friends and other people?

What happened to the days when none of that mattered? Or at least, wasn't the guiding emotion for the majority of hours of our days?

Recently, my life took a turn and I, or, as Jenny Blake would call it in her new book, a pivot, when I left my safe, fun, career as the Director of Marketing & Communications with a sports-industry non-profit. It was fun. It was a good job. It also crept into all areas of my life. No boundaries were left unbroken.

It involved a lot of travel. It included a lot of "play" - sorta. But it was also driving me nuts. It was making me sick. I couldn't focus. I was constantly distracted. The to-do list never seemed to shorten. The email never stopped. The meetings never clarified action or direction or purpose or mission. It was exhausting.

As Andrew Sullivan writes in My Distraction Sickness in last month's NY Mag, information overload led to quitting his job, developing a meditation practice and return to an ability to live life in an offline world.

“There seems no end to this paradox of practical life, and no way out, just an infinite succession of efforts, all doomed ultimately to fail.

Except, of course, there is the option of a spiritual reconciliation to this futility, an attempt to transcend the unending cycle of impermanent human achievement. There is a recognition that beyond mere doing, there is also being; that at the end of life, there is also the great silence of death with which we must eventually make our peace.”

— Andrew Sullivan, My Distraction Sickness

So, as Sullivan put it, I merely quite doing. I quit the striving and the achievement. I quit the two-hour daily commute. I quit the strategic plans. I quit the office politics. I quit the expectation to respond to email 24/7. I followed my heart and left. I was honest with why. I helped transition as I could. 

I gave up on the expectations of others. I abandoned my striving to impress others. I wouldn't say that I gave up, but rather surrendered my objectives and aims to create space and time for the flow of life and the universe to enter into me.

And today, my life looks a lot like play in many ways.

I read a lot (join my online book club if you would?) 

As a kid, I used to burn wet twigs with stolen matches and make fires with soggy moss, the smell today still takes me back to those days. These days, I apply these skills in productive manners whether backcountry or training. I volunteer with a search & rescue group where we practice, train and learn survival techniques such as this. What was rebellion has turned practical. But it's still one of the most enjoyable things I do.

I used to ride bikes & run freely. Today, I ride road bikes for exercise, training and to get quiet. Sorta similar to what I do with long-distance running. Last month I attempted my first 50K trail run.

For so long, I had merely followed aimlessly the ways of the world, climbed the corporate ladder, viewed success as defined by what others thought and ulitmately had been broken by a never-ending bombardment of technology that invaded every area of my life and time-and-time-again tore through every boundary I set. My life had become destroyed by an utter lack of any work-life balance.

Today I prioritize work as play. I view work as a function to allow space & time & resources for other things such as experiences, volunteering & impacting others. I recently got myself a little job. It's part-time, flexible hours and we'll see how it goes.

I'm working on writing the stories I'd like to read and sharing the message that there is more to life than all of this worldly clamor - more to life than to the commute, sitting at a desk all day, commute and do it over and over again.

There are different ways to do life. Have faith and live the life you want to live.

“It’s better to live in a little house, drive a little car, have a little bit of money, a few clothes, and just enough to eat, a little job then to have everything the world has to offer and be absolutely miserable. And that’s where so many people are, they’re miserable.””

— Dr. Charles Stanley, The Downward Path to A Broken Life.

6 Things I Learned - NaNoWriMo Day 1

I decided to give NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) another shot this year. Last year I failed terribly. I don't think I even started. I mean, I logged in and created an account, but in terms of the actual writing part, I failed. Miserably. And I'm ok with that.

This year I decided to try something different, outside of my comfort zone and started out by participating in the PDX/Vancouver NaNoWriMo Midnight Write-In at PDX Airport. 

I learned some things writing for 3 hours last night, or upon reflection since, such as:

1. The writing, for me, is the easy part. The challenge is the plot, the structure, the characters, the story arc and all those other little integral parts of the plot development. The scene flow and movement and dialogue is relatively easy. I can see scenes and hear dialogue, but tying it all together into cohesiveness, I imagine, is going to be my challenge, and it's kind of a big one.
2. I need to hang out with writers more. I used to do this more when working in newsrooms in college and afterward, but haven't really too much in the past 15 years or so. This means, for me, I need to do a few things - join & participate in some writer/author Meetups as well as attending more author readings. It would have been a different experience completely if I'd have known some of the folks there last night.
3. I really needed to spend more time planning. While I had a list of some 15+ book ideas, what I really needed to do before Midnight November 1st, was to spend some time focusing in on which one I was going to write, what the story arc and plot line looked like. Instead, I sat down and wrote 1,000 words on two different stories. This morning, I'm considering abandoning them both and starting with a different one.
4. I can't stay up late anymore. During college (and for many years after, really) I was a night owl. I stayed up late and thought if I drank like Hemmingway or HST, I'd create literary elegance or poetic prose. This wasn't the case. These days, I'm up early and find that my most focused, creative times are mid-morning. By about 8:00 at night, I'm spent and my brain is toast. A midnight - 02:30 write in doesn't really fit my brain patterns or circadian rhythm. Add to the struggle, I drank some coffee too late and that didn't really help either.
5. I'm super distractable. There was somebody there hammering away on a typewriter, which is cool, but it made it hard for me to focus. Then I put in earbuds. Then I missed the raffle. And it was all OK, I just recognized all of it going on
6. I've accepted that I'm OK if it's garbage. As I was writing, I found myself thinking about whether the words coming out would be any good or not. Was I using too many run-on and difficult to read sentences? Why do I tend to write in the passive tense even though I hate it when I read it? (sidenote, I think it's laziness) I then realized that this didn't matter. What it only really did was allow resistance to enter into my consciousness as a deterrent to being fully focused on the only important task at hand - the writing.

So that's all I'm going to do. I going to write. And write. And write. I'm going to write every day even if I don't want to. Even if I'm too busy, too tired, too whatever. I'm just going to write.

“You fail only if you quit writing,”

— Ray Bradbury

So that's it. That's going to be my mentality. I've accepted that it could be garbage, and am alright with that. I've accepted it for what it is, thus removing that fear and struggle from the process. The simple joy and experience of writing will be the only aim. It's a warm up. It's a practice round. It's pre-season.

Learning is in the experience and the trying. The result, even if it's never read or seen by anyone, will become whatever it becomes. My primary focus will be on the words, one after another.

Steven Pressfield quote from The War of Art

If this is the only thing I learn from this process, it'll be well worth it...but I'm assuming I'll learn much more.

Grace & peace,

I Just Keep Running

A while back, I broke my back. It's a long story, that I'll get around to getting into one of these days...but for now, we'll use the injury's recovery as where we start.

So, I'd suffered a fall and ended up with unstable compression fractures in my L1, T12 & T11 vertabrae. Fortunately, other than the bone issues, I'd suffered no paralysis or nerve damage. Recovery would be long, the future uncertain & limitations unknown. 

I had the surgery at OHSU in Portland, Ore. and was laid flat for a number of weeks. Life was tough. Inside my head was the worst. I didn't know what would become of my life.

X-ray of the hardware inserted to stabilize my fractures. April 2013

After a follow-up appointment I was sent to see a Physical Therapist. And off we went. I found an off-site clinic closer to my house that I'd actually make appointments and go to instead of being deterred by the drive into the city.

I was told to start walking straight lines (no spinal rotation or bending) inside my house and to move it outside when I felt that it was aight to do so. My physical therapist was the best. About twice a week or so I'd head down to run through exercise, stretches and to get deep-tissue massage around the incision sites, which where the muscle area of most concern.  

Surgerical hardware after removal (ed note: the coins are for reference)

About 6 months later, I had the hard wear removed. The incision sites still bother me today but to a much lesser extent - regular massage, exercise and stretching goes a long way.

For some reason, I signed up for the Freedom 5K on July 4th, 2014. I don't know why. I'm not a runner, never been a runner, have never had an interest in running. The first time I "ran" I remember it as if it was yesterday, because I couldn't make it to the corner before I had to catch my breath. That had always been my running experience.

But the good news was my body felt OK. This was only maybe just 8-9 months post injury and 2 months or so post hardware removal. The I started to run. I ran in the morning, I ran at lunch, I ran at home, I ran at work, I ran on vacation...pretty much if I was going somewhere I was running. ha.

I don't remember much about that first 5k, other than getting passed by a lady pushing a baby stroller toward the end. But, it was too late, running had got me.

Since then, I've collected a whole wall of race bibs & medals including. I've got the running itch.

• Freedom 5k, Molalla, Ore.
• Molalla River Trail Run, Molalla, Ore.
• Rugged Maniac, Portland, Ore. (OCR)
• Clackamette Cove Triathlon, Oregon City, Ore. (swimming's not my thing)
• Vortex 10K & Vortex Half Marathon, Estacada, Ore.
• Helvatia Half Marathon, Hillsboro, Ore.
• Rock & Roll Half Marathon, San Diego, Calif.
• My Muddy Valentine, Tualatin, Ore. (OCR)
• Peterson Ridge Rumble, Sisters, Ore. (20-miler)
• Cascade Lakes Relay, Bend, Ore. (132-mile relay)
• Portland Fall Trail Series, Portland, Ore.
• Coordinator, PNWSAR Trail Running Team

One thing I'm not is fast. One thing I am is mentally strong. I can trudge out long distances.  On my list now are some forthcoming ultras and then a re-evaluation of focus & travels for next year. I just keep going farther and farther. I look for more remote and longer runs, more distances. The trail running community is incredible, of which I'm still fearful & intimidated by. Each run it gets better.

Up next:

Oregon Coast 50K, Yachats, Ore. - October 8th, 2016

Orcas Island 50K, Orcas Island, Wash. - February 4th, 2017

It's been a slow, tiring journey, but it's been a blessing. It's been meditative and it's been frustrating. I often can't motivate myself to go run and more frequently I don't want to do anything other than hit the trail

For me running signifies healing. It helps me remember where I used to be and how I used to live. It reminds me to be grateful for every step.

What Happens to the Things I Used To Care About?

As my life continues to change before my eyes, I find myself wondering why I'm no longer interested in things I used to be.

Where did those feelings go? How did my interests change so much? I sometimes feel a certain nostalgia for them, but moreso I wonder about how the process happened where new interests, hobbies & passions slowly crept in and overtook the long-held, often unbeknownst-to-me embedded interests. Trust me, none of this was intentional.

What am I talking about? To illustrate, here are some examples of things I used to really care about - sports games & teams, new Apple devices, clean cars, new clothes, bars, TV, golf even. 

What happened? They slowly got crowded out by things that I care about so much more deeply and innately today - the outdoors & rewilding, health & fitness (diet & exercise), spirituality (prayer, meditation & growth), SAR, long-distance running, compassion toward animals (largely, not killing & eating them), self-exploration, service to others, giving, learning, et al.

How did it happen? I'm still not sure & it surely didn't happen overnight. But it did happen suddenly. On the day I knocked, the door was opened to a radically different journey. 

A whole new direction and bearing to my life began. I'd been a rudderless vessel lacking attachment to anything permanent,meaningful or purposeful. That day in 2013 began a radical different shift in perspective and today. How did I get there?

Through an all-encompassing desire to avoid pain and distract myself from what I know today is common to all of mankind - suffering, attachment & the living according to the ways of the world - I'd reached the end of my journey of self. 

My thoughts, my patterns had built to such a crushing storm of fear that I'd literally been brought to my knees. I was broken.

“And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

— Acts 2:21

At that point, my life began.

What makes a writer?

Recently at WDS I heard book marketer Tim Grahl say something to the effect of - "I'm not a writer, I just write a lot of stuff" regarding his realization that led to overcoming his personal, limiting belief about becoming a writer.

It really got me thinking about some things. Am I a writer? What's the case for and against look like? I love to write. Always write. Am (at least in my humble opinion) a fairly efficient & persuasive writer. Have been paid to write as a former news reporter, opinion writer, newspaper columnist. I've written literally tens of thousands of emails. Too many, in my opinion, I realized after giving up my ambitions to climb the corporate ladder. A lot of people have told me that I'm a good writer. I'm an effective communicator using words. I'm fairly comfortable and competent.

So what's the problem here?

Just like skill-development or mastery of most activities takes practice, so does writing. Nobody meditates for the first time and it's perfect. Want to be a professional baseball player? Better start throwing the ball around as a kid. Want to be an artist? Chances are pretty good your first work wouldn't be mistaken for something Bob Ross created. Want to be a nature photographer? Ansel Adams probably trashed many prints while honing his craft. Such is writing. The key is to write, to learn, to hone.

Of note, is that with writing, its real value and purpose can be open to a myriad of motivations and interpretations. Sure, some people may want to be the next Stephen King or James Patterson. Writers (of the like I'm discussing) want their words to be read and have the reader find value, inspiration or motivation within them. An there are the intrinsic motivations of the writer as well. You may have a story to tell. You may want to share ideas. You may want to inspire, encourage or motivate others. I think that's something that I've struggled with for years as I've fought becoming "a writer." Answering the question "where is this coming from" and "what value do I want others to find in this" are deep, important questions that I keep looking at as I move along this path.

There are no steadfast right or wrong answers to these questions, but the exploration and development my own drive, inspiration and purpose for writing has been extremely helpful in determining meaning to my work. (On a side note, do yourself a favor and read Thomas Moore's A Life at Work)

While what I write and why I write has changed, I've realized some things have stayed the same. Largely the resistance to writing. Today I'm aware and I'm taking action to overcome the resistance. First, starting this website as a place to write, be vulnerable, explore voice and my interests as an exercise solely in the journey of how I can grow. I'm rereading Steven Pressfield's The War of Art & Do The Work and developing writing disciplines. Discipline & routine is huge for me, and am in the process of re-working my post-summer life routine to better work my life.

Here's a concept that you may not be aware of that I feel plays a large role in the manifestation of resistance in my work or writers life. Read about it, see if it applies in any areas of your life. It's encouraging.

Imposter syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome) is a term coined in 1978 by clinical psychologists Dr. Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes referring to high-achieving individuals marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud". Despite external evidence of their competence, those exhibiting the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.

This results in procrastination & fear-based inaction. The only way around the resistance is through it.

“The more important an activity is to your soul’s evolution, the more resistance you will feel to it - the more fear you will feel,”

— Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

 So, what makes a writer? Writing. I've realized that results, publication, acceptance or accolades are all irrelevant to the act of writing.

There is only one essential requirement to be a writer - to write.

OK, now what?

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

— Matthew 6:34

After a whirlwind of a couple of months, quiting my day job, visiting Alaska just because, flying to San Diego to run a half marathon, driving to the coast for a memorial service and staying to camp, crab, fish & feast for a few days of inspiration, faith, conversation & sunsets, running an outdoor obstacle course trail race through the White River Canyon up on Mt. Hood, experiencing Central Oregon's vastness (feels like a second home over here), backpacking into a Mt. Hood alpine lake, trail running, training, golfing, resorting...now the work begins. 

I'm digging in deep into the next phase of my journey, starting some business ventures, working with clients, freelancing, writing, consulting and helping others. I'm sleeping outside more, I don't set alarms often (only for SAR trainings & callouts). My life is quiet. My heart is at peace. My body is rested. 

What now? I'm not sure, but as I say often, it's as if life is happening to me instead of anything that I actually do. If I can only stay so surrendered...

I quit my job. Again.

I spent a lot of hours staring at the inspirations posted to this wall. And over that time, something changed. I changed. My perspective changed. What's important changed.

Last month I quit my job. I quit my job again again. I did this in 2007 as well. As a friend so eloquently quipped, "so this is a pattern?" Well, yes. And no.

That time I left because I blamed my unhappiness on others (coworkers, bosses, clients, etc.) This time, I quit fully accepting that I wasn't happy and that I had to do something about it. I had to make the changes in my life to live my days the way I want to live my days. I am embracing the unknown. With little certainty and knowledge of what I'll do or where I'll end up, the one thing I have today is faith that if I work hard, put myself out there I can create the lifestyle design I want to live. 

Here are some of the things I learned when I quit my job. Again.

1. When you quit your job - especially a great job that invokes responses of envy whenever you tell someone what you do - people don't get it. And they don't have to get it. It's not their journey. 

2. I don't have to do what everyone else is doing. The world says get the job, get the title, get the paycheck, buy the thing and you'll be happy. What I really wanted was time and space in my life to do the things I feel called to do and the places I desire to go. I also realize that it's rare to find someone who loves what they're doing, even if it pays well, has the corner office and affords one all the comforts of life. For me, freedom was becoming more and more important that stability and financial security.

3. The future of work is changing rapidly - if organizations don't adapt, they'll be left behind and employees will leave. If individuals don't personally adapt, they'll be left behind with a traditional work/life unbalance. Take a look at some of the articles in the Google search for "future of work" to get an idea of what I'm talking about it. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, you're really missing the boat and the opportunities that will be coming in the next few years.

4. You really can work from anywhere, at anytime, on your schedule. I've literally checked email, written, brainstormed & connected with co-workers and project partners from the Kenai Peninsula in Alaska to the near Mexico border in San Diego to the edge of the Pacific Ocean in remote central coastal Oregon to the  whenever I've needed to over the past month. I've used technologies, project management tools and cloud services to be connected & "working."  It doesn't matter where I am or what time it is, i'm available as I need to be when I need to be and it makes no difference where I am. I've used solar power to charge phones, tablets, computers and can work from remote wilderness areas if I need to. Give me a bench, beach or coffee shop in anytown, usa and we're in business. 

5. Work was making me sick. Literally. I couldn't focus. I had headaches often. I was tethered to many masters and pulled constantly in seven different directions simulutneously. Everything was important, and nothing got accomplished. The illusions of immediacy & urgency trumped any actual work meaningful progress, brainstorming and reflection. I couldn't think. My brain hurt, my fulfillment wained and I knew change was needed.

6. I value time & space in my life, the gaps, more than busy-ness and security and routine. Today, my life has more spaces. I sit by the river often. I work from coffee shops. I take breaks for exercise and eating healthy. I can serve others when the call comes. My life is less frantic, less hurried, less stressed, more peaceful, quieter, still both internal & external. 

I may not know where I'm going, but today I have faith that if I do my part, work hard, put one foot in front of the other, create space for opportunities and am disciplined, everything will be just fine. And if it isn't, it will be as it's supposed to be. 

“Why wait until there is nothing left for you to crave? That time will never come. We hold that there is a succession of causes, from which fate is woven; similarly, you may be sure, there is a succession in our desires; for one begins where its predecessor ends.”

— Seneca, Moral Letters to Lucilius

Click here to buy tickets: http://bit.ly/pdxsc_tickets Alberta Rose Theatre on 11/21/15 for Portland Soundcheck V. NATE BOTSFORD performs "Hourglass" for Portland Soundcheck. Portland Soundcheck www.pdxsoundcheck.com 'Like' us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/portlandsoundcheck 'Follow" us on Twitter: www.twitter.com/pdxsoundcheck 'Like' us on Instagram: www.instagram.com/portlandsoundcheck NATE BOTSFORD www.natebotsford.com Video and Audio by Cary Samsel

48 Hours in Alaska

I've always wanted to go to Alaska. I dreamed of Alaska. I went. Here's what I saw.

"To the lover of wilderness, Alaska is one of the most wonderful countries in the world," John Muir

I'm already ready to go back. But next time for a longer, more immersive adventure.The people are friendly, especially my super gracious hosts. The mountains are vast & majestic. Bald Eagle's are everywhere. Glacier's are indescribable.

Perspective is everything.

Grace & Peace,

Aaron

A little journey North

One day a while back I bought a ticket to Alaska. On a whim.

Today, I'm rushing around all day, jumping on a plane and headed North. I've always wanted to go, just another one of those things I never got around too. One of too many things I never got around to for too long.

“Wandering is the activity of the child, the passion of the genius; it is the discovery of the self, the discovery of the outside world, and the learning of how the self is both “at one with” and “separate from” the outside world. These discoveries are as fundamental to the soul as “learning to survive” is fundamental to the body. These discoveries are essential to realizing what it means to be human. To wander is to be alive.”

— Roman Payne

Where I get to go today & what I spend my days doing isn't of my concern. I ask to be shown the work, given the guidance and direction for my days, and in turn, for my life. 

"Are you going by yourself?" I'm often asked when I talk about where I'm going and what I'm off to do, to which I think 'I'm by myself a lot but I'm never alone.'

When my grandma passed a way a couple of years ago now, I plucked a couple of books off the shelf. One of them was the Prayer of Jabez by Bruce Wilkinson. I'd recommend you read it. It's short. And it'll change your life.

“Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, “Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request.”

— 1 Chronicles 4:10

If there's one thing that's for certain it's that my territory has expanded over the past few years. What I do and where I go has been enlarged significantly. 

I'm traveling light - carrying just a backpack. When I arrive, I'm renting a car & staying with a friend's relative. I'm taking a camera and a couple of books. I'll drive all around and take a bunch of photos. I'll read, relax, soak it in and be inspired by what I see.

If I'm certain it's going to be anything, it's that it will something new and it will be different than anywhere I've ever been. It will be filled with awe, grandeur, gratitude and quite probably some tears.

See you on the flip side.